i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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