I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I looked at my own cervix.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dicks are not precious.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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