Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just invented taco cereal.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
