I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
