A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize