ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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