he wants to bone in the snuggie
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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