I am spending my child support on dildos
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
