She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
