No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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