I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
