so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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