I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
40s are totally the cure
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
