shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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