you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize