Im at strip club and am horny
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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