there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he thought i was a dude.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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