every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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