Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize