hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
