I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
