ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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