you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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