yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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