I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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