How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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