His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize