I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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