we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize