Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
40s are totally the cure
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
