i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I sprained my soul last night
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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