I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
