i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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