Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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