Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
