He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
this just has baby written all over it
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
