my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
