Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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