I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Two words: blizzard sex
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
