I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
BRING THE BAGELS
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize