I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
