so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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