Already got asked if we're dating
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
