I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
