If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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