Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
