the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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