I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
