Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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