I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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