Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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