WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
