i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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