Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
