A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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