having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I intend to get homeless drunk
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
