I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
