did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
