If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
