having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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