So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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