i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
