My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
