he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
