you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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